Saturday, December 08, 2007

Row with Edna

Had a blazing row with Assembly cleaner, Edna Mopbucket this afternoon. She's always had this thing about 'celebrities'. I could never see what she saw in Michael Barrymore myself - but I accepted it. Anyway, today she went too far when she started talking about her 'lust' for Lib Dem MP, Lembit Opik. I tried to say that he was already taken, but she'd have none of it. Edna does a day a week cleaning down at Westminster, and mentioned that she's spending every spare minute going up and down in the lift, dressed like a pop star, with some chip paper in her hand, hoping to meet him. Reminds me of when I was young and single. I used to find out where the unmarried Bobbie Roberts was going out for a drink - so that I could coincidentally call by the same place. "Oh, fancy meeting you here!"

Now the reason behind Edna's bizarre behaviour is an incident she heard about from a reliable source in the House of Commons. I only heard about it yesterday at the Cameron do in Cardiff. Apparently, the Lib Dem MP for Montgomeryshire was recently sharing a lift with a young woman who was eating a packet of chips. He took out his pen, smiled in a friendly sort of way, scribbled his name on the chip paper and said something like "That should add some value to it for you". I told Edna that I thought it was one of the most insufferably arrogant acts I'd ever heard of - but she wouldn't have it. She is so blinded by 'celebrity' that she thought it "was a nice gesture". I told her that if she was going to carry on like this, she might as well pack up going to night school now - because with judgement like that she will be unemployable. I will certainly have to consider ending all the publicity I've been giving her.

7 comments:

Dr. Christopher Wood said...

Ignoring for a moment that this is all double hearsay, do you think there is any money in writing and filing a business method patent on this new way of allegedly 'adding value'?

1. A method of adding value, said method comprising the steps of:
- sharing a lift with a young woman;
- observing said young woman eating a packet of chips, wherein said packet of chips comprises chip paper;
- taking out a pen;
- scribbling a name on said chip paper; and
- announcing to said young women, "That should add some value to it for you".

2. The method according to claim 2, wherein the plonker (OK, lacks something called "antecedent basis") is the Lib Dem MP for Montgomeryshire.

3. The method according to claim 2 further comprising the step of writing a blog story, said blog story including a sentence beginning with the word, "Apparently".

4. The method according to claim 3, wherein the author of said blog story is hoping for some political traction.

Dr. Christopher Wood said...

Glyn, would you like me to write a 'spoof patent' for your friend Enda Mopbucket to upload, in traceable form, onto a certain computer? Wherein said certain computer is registered to a Lib Dem AM's computer associated with a previous status line "is lying low". Of course you would have to take personal responsibility for spawning more disarray among Lib-Dem ranks … but you only have to ask.

To add a certain 'flavour' I could be less specific ... replace the step 'taking out a pen' with:

- taking out an elongated object of expandable length and having a circular cross-section;

At your discretion I could add the following dependent claims:

5. The method according to claim 1, wherein said elongated object is a writing instrument.

6. The method according to claim 1, wherein said writing instrument is a pen.

Also, 'depositing some matter in tangible form from said elongated object onto said chip paper ' could be substituted for the step of 'scribbling a name on said chip paper'.

Again, at your request I could add the following dependent claim(s):

7. The method according to claim 1, wherein said matter comprises ink. (Notice the lack of the limiting term “consists of”.)

Mutating a line from the movie "Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy", "Oh bullocks", here's The Full Monty":

1. A method of adding value, said method comprising the steps of:
- sharing a lift with a young woman;
- observing said young woman eating a packet of chips, wherein said packet of chips comprises chip paper;
- taking out an elongated object of expandable length and having a circular cross-section;
- depositing some matter in tangible form from said elongated object onto said chip paper; and
- announcing to said young women, "That should add some value to it for you".

2. The method according to claim 2, wherein the step of announcing to said woman, "That should add some value to it for you" is performed by the Lib Dem MP for Montgomeryshire.

3. The method according to claim 2 further comprising the step of writing a blog story, said blog story including a sentence beginning with the word, "Apparently".

4. The method according to claim 3, wherein the author of said blog story is hoping for some political traction.

5. The method according to claim 1, wherein said elongated object is a writing instrument.

6. The method according to claim 1, wherein said writing instrument is a pen.

7. The method according to claim 1, wherein said matter comprises ink.

8. The method according to claim 1, wherein said matter consists essentially of ink.

9. The method according to claim 1, wherein said matter is ink.

Glyn Davies said...

Christopher - I am but a simple sheep farmer who made good - and I just don't know what you are talking about. It will take some time for me to forgive Edna for this though. She might not be appearing for a while.

Edna Mopbucket reformed said...

Oh Glyn Fach ,Forgive me,I was blinded by the fact that he used to be close to Sian the weather.
Bu t havinng been told some of the stories of his pursuit for fame ,I cannot be taken in any more.
I have seen the light .praise the Lord and away with chip papers.

Dr. Christopher Wood said...

Glyn – sorry for the rather elaborate claim writing, but as you know there are plenty of folks making money off the backs of farmers, some engaged in price fixing – just reported in the national newspapers, supermarkets just fined a huge sum of money (over 100 million pounds) for fixing the price of milk.

Just let me know if you have an idea – especially on an agro-biotech process or new farm implement or part thereof I will happily turn it into a patent for you – there’s a huge market for farming “stuff” – farmers should make more money from their enterprise instead of the huge players who make loads-of-money from the farmers.

Why don’t you get a few farmer friends together to try patenting a new idea in farming – it is any good I will write it up and file it for you guys in the USA – and maybe you guys can earn millions out of a “simple farming idea”.

It’s very cheap to file in the USA – what with the favourable exchange rate, and I am just a few blocks away from the patent office – and I’ve written and filed many patents including three agricultural/biotech patents for one of the world’s biggest agri-biotech companies. I am sure the turnover associated with those three patents runs into the hundreds of millions, if not billions (fermentation production of several amino-acids used in the manufacture of animal feed).

Glyn Davies said...

christopher - the supermarkets claimed that they fixed the peice of milk in order to pay the farmers more - but the competition authorities didn't believe them. So they were fined over £100 million. I'm not sure where this money goes - but its a pity that the Government won't recycle it into support for the livestock sector, which is losing serious money at the moment.

Glyn Davies said...

edna reformed - welcome to the site. Edna told me that she is very 'touched' which she said hadn't happened for a long time. She laughed in a 'dirty' sort of way when she said that. I should add that I always check with a second source before I report on Edna's meetings - except for those conversations when she blatantly looks through keyholes or listens to private meetings.