Sunday, April 27, 2008

Oh Ruby, what am I to do?

Dear Ruby Wax,

I'm in despair. I'm having a terrible time with my new partner, Gord. We've only been together for a year, since my previous partner, Tony left me. To be completely honest Ruby, I was glad to see the back of him at the time. Sure, he could charm the birds out of the trees and he was always telling me that he loved me - but it was only to have his way with me. Old Levy Cashpoint, who was always round for drinks in the old days was saying the very same thing on TV this morning. We'd been together for more than 10 years and I'd had a bellyful of the 'smarm' and yearned for a bit of rough handling by a big clunking fist.

Gord seemed just the man for the job, even if I'd never really liked the 'dirty' way he'd eyed me up during all the years he'd been coming around to do our accounts. After he moved in, it was great for a while and he couldn't do enough for me. He was smiling with contentment all the time and he had his teeth fixed. I was a bit worried when I caught him 'practicing' his smile in the mirror, but I really thought I'd found the decisive hard man I'd always wanted.

But then it all started to fall apart. Last summer, although we were already living together as man and wife, he wanted to 'go legit' - son of the manse I suppose. We had it all planned - date, honeymoon, invitations out, photographer booked. And then in early October, he changed his mind at the last minute. Just like that. I think he was afraid that I might say 'No'. And he's been dithering like a jelly with a nervous disposition ever since. He can't make up his mind about anything. He's even started messing about with my housekeeping money. Its ridiculous. Last year he worked it out by some bizarre formula, telling me that I was going to get a big increase, but when I looked at the cheque, it had gone down by 10p. I was bloody furious, what with the price of rice and that bloody haggis he insists on having. Please excuse my language Ruby, but I'm at the end of my tether. Problem is he thinks slipping me a few extra quid will keep me sweet and win him what he calls his favourite 'red teddy nightie' welcome. Well, think again big clunking fist. Its the spare room and Wynciette pajamas from now on.

Even worse Ruby, I've spotted someone else, that I've developed what you might call an unhealthy interest in. His name's Dave and he quite a bit younger that Gord - and soooooo handsome. Apparently, he argues with Gord a lot at work, and doesn't show him proper respect. But I'm the one that suffers when he comes home and practices what he should have said to Dave on me. When he finally deems to come home, that is. He's taken to working all hours in his office, hammering away on the Internet looking for good one liners by 'googling' words like 'Bullingham' and 'Toff' and Eton'. He tells me everything will be OK if he can just come up with his own 'Mr Bean line'. No idea what he's talking about, but it must be important because its all Gord's thinking about. I don't want to be disloyal, but I cannot stand this dithering, paranoid, control freakery any longer. Turns out he made a pig's ear of our accounts as well. Please Ruby, tell me what I should do.

Yours in desperation,

Britannia (Ms)

Dear Britannia,

Dump him.

Best wishes, Ruby

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