Friday, September 06, 2013

How to perfect the art of 'Cow-Tipping'.

Am writing this blogpost for the benefit of Margo Lillie, Dr of Zoology from the University of British Columbia who has been telling 'The Modern Farmer' that it is not physically possible to push over a cow which is sleeping standing up. She was challenging the myth that 'cow-tipping' as its known, is a sport Young Farmers indulge in after being ousted from their local pub after a skinful. Ms Lillie reckons her mathematical formula dispels the myth of 'cow-tipping'. She says the idea that drunk men could steal into fields and shove sleeping cows onto their sides is not only absurd but scientifically implausible - and that it would take two strong men to overturn a cow, and at least six if the cow woke up.

Ms Lillie's analysis is based on Newton's Second Law, which as we all know states that force is equal to mass multiplied by acceleration. To shove over a cow of normal size would require 1360 Newtons of force. Well I've news for the professor. I have knocked over many a cow off her feet on my own - though never when drunk and never when she's been asleep. Its just a matter of technique.

For it to work, the cow has to be fairly quiet, and distracted in some way - perhaps by placing a bowl of delicious food in front of her. You stand alongside the cow's neck and reach your arm over to the other side and approach her nose. Moving like lighting, insert two strongest fingers in the nostrils, and pull powerfully upwards and backwards. It helps if your other hand grips the cow's ear for a firmer hold. The cow will simply topple over towards you. You have to be agile enough to move out of the way as she falls, and avoid pulling her too far back - so as not to create danger from flailing hooves. Its essential to ensure the head continues to be forced backwards at all times - with a firm grip kept on the nostrils. If your fingers slip, move away smartly, especially if she looks cross. Should add that I'm not recommending this. I realise modern men are not what we used to be in my youth.

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